Week 16 recap, Payouts

Week 16 Recap:

Championship

Mike

94.40

v

Dan

116.90

Dan rode HIS red hot QB – wait for it – BLAKE BORTLES, who over the last 5 weeks has averaged 34.82 ppg to his THIRD Atlantic Football Inc. Championship! Latavius Murray (17.70) and mid-season pick-up Karlos Williams (12.70) helped along with the Buffalo Defense (21.00). That’s right… the Championship was decided by Jacksonville, Oakland and Buffalo. And if THAT doesn’t convince you that what we’re doing is completely idiotic, I don’t know what to tell you. Congratulations, Dan for winning the Vincent Bo Jackson Wilfork Lombardi trophy!!!

As for Mike, THIS is what happens when your star player who was averaging 30.6 ppg for your team throws up his worst performance of the year in the biggest game. Cam Newton put up a 14.70, Gronk had a mediocre game for Gronk, and that’s all she wrote.

 3^rd Place

Dave

104.65

v

Norm

73.30

Dave got Allen Robinson (21.10), Tim Hightower (28.90) and the ancient one, Frank Gore (21.50) to put up monster numbers to offset a terrible performance by Aaron Rodgers (8.45) and beat Norm, who must have had Kim manage his team for the third place game, as he started Alshon Jeffery, which would have been a good idea, except he was out for the game. If only he had Allen Hurns (22.60) on his bench who he could have started in Alshon’s place… oh, he did?!?! Jacksonville’s defense didn’t help Norman out either, as they put up a Negative 7.00.

Week 16 Bozo of the week:

Odell Beckham Jr.

Congratulations, Odell!! You somehow got TWO personal fouls called against you when Josh Norman CB of Carolina pwned you all game. This included somehow taking your helmet off after a play while on the field and NOT getting a penalty even though there’s a rather famous incident when taking your helmet off was the direct cause of a loss for the Browns and win for the Chiefs.  You also punched Cortland Finnegan in the head but got a personal foul called on Finnegan… HUH?!?!?! You then came back strong for your THIRD personal foul with a blind-side straight up missile shot to the side of the head with the crown of your helmet and STILL didn’t get tossed out of the game. I have NO idea what the EIGHT referees were looking at to not throw you out.

It’s a good thing you didn’t have a 15 yard sprint right before that hit… oh, wait, you did.

He already pulled this nonsense against Buffalo earlier this season. It’s a damn shame someone so talented is such a hothead.

Luckily, you didn’t cost your team anything, otherwise VP of Football Operations Dan Culver would have to have called you in for a stern talking to.

Second Place: The NFL for their ‘no strings attached’ CTE Grant

So when you say ‘no strings attached’ but retain veto power, what exactly does that mean? Those two things seem to be incongruous when combined. The NFL “gave” $30 million dollars as an ‘unrestricted gift’ to research of CTE. That sure SOUNDS like they want to clean things up for their workforce. It is also a complete PR move and they’ll fight every finding that comes from that money if it will end up hurting their wallets.

This is EXACTLY the same type of BS public relations move that is the NFL’s bread and butter. Do you remember when Jonathan Martin of the Dolphins was bullied by Richie Incognito to the point where he walked out on the team? That was a thing… How did the Dolphins handle that situation? Why they put together a ‘task force’ with big names that was going to figure out what happened and come up with a solution of what to do moving forward!! Sounds great! Except that was November 2013 and we still have nothing from them. The whole incident just went away. No one in the media has asked any questions. The NFL hired resident jack-wagon Ted Wells to investigate the incident and he came out with his report HERE.

Also, what did the Dolphins do earlier this year after firing their head coach? They hired a crazy Tight Ends coach Dan ‘Man’ Campbell who actively wants fights between offense and defense, started his tenure by putting the team through Oklahoma drills and tug of war.

Speaking of the NFL and health issues:

Peyton Manning be like: HGH I love you so. Os-weil-er get off the field.

Even MORE Miss Universe:

One of the better videos from the judging area you’ll ever see: Yes, that’s Perez Hilton and then Hall of Famer Emmitt Smith. My skin crawls because I’m so uncomfortable watching the whole thing… AND I’m laughing…

At least Steve Harvey made up for his mistake by apologizing for his mistake… ‘but it’s still a great night!!!’ by putting out this tweet immediately after the show.

Bruh, it’s Philippines and Colombia.

At least Steve can laugh at himself, as his Instagram picture shows (Merry Easter)

Meanwhile, Earvin ‘Magic’ Johnson put out this tweet, before the contest had actually, you know, finished.

It hasn’t been the best week for ‘ol Magic. First, his baseball team, The Dodgers lost the reigning Cy Young Award Winner Zack Greinke to the Arizona Diamondbacks, then he tried to congratulate retiring superstar of the World Cup Champion US Women’s National Soccer team Abby Wambach.

I’m not going to quibble with the Magic man over whether you can possibly be ONE of the GOATs when GOAT stands for Greatest of All Time, suggesting you either are or aren’t, BUT what I CAN quibble with is praising someone when not knowing her actual name.

Happy Holidays, everyone!!!

You thought the Steelers are on an unstoppable roll?!?!?! You are WRONG, my friend! Just have them sing Christmas carols and watch the ineptitude!

I don’t know which is worse/greater… that one or Rasheed Wallace’s Pistons version.

Which is your favorite? (Use Voting buttons)

How is Gronk convalescing this week?

Gronk is back and even though the Christmas season has come and gone, maybe you still want this for your favorite Patriots fan?

He’s also a spokesperson for a new smartphone game called MOBILE STRIKE that already has Arnold Schwarzenegger as another spokesperson.

I think Gronk is starting to get into Peyton Manning commercial territory. I mean, would you be surprised to see him next in a commercial at a deli chanting ‘Cut That Meat’?

If you had a bad Christmas, maybe this guy is responsible

Yo, looks like St. Nick has some competition. He’s from the dark side and NOT happy your cookies have gluten.

Maybe these guys need to have some egg nog and stop fighting so much.

In the college game:

BOWL SEASON:

12/28

The Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman

Pittsburgh v. Navy

Ok, a bowl celebrating the military with a team from a branch of the military, no biggie. Kinda nice.

12/29

Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl

California v. Air Force

Hey, wait a minute! I’d be cool with one bowl specifically honoring military, but TWO? How can we be swimming in debt and have TWO US Military vendors have so much cash that they think it would be a great idea to sponsor separate bowl games?

NOVA Home Loans Arizona Bowl

Nevada v. Colorado State

Oh, look another financial institution tying themselves to home loans, what could go wrong?

AdvoCare V100 Texas Bowl

LSU v. Texas Tech

Yeah, I had to look that up too… vitamin chews. God damned vitamin chews…

12/30

Belk Bowl

NC State v. Mississippi State

Nope, might as well have the Macy’s bowl or the JC Penney Bowl while you’re at it.

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl

Texas A&M v. Louisville

Again, what have we learned about mortgage companies throwing around cash?

National Funding Holiday Bowl

USC v. Wisconsin

I have no idea who National Funding is.

12/31

FINALLY!!! THE GOOD STUFF!!!

Orange Bowl 4:00 p.m.- ESPN

(4) Oklahoma v (1) Clemson

Cotton Bowl 8:00 p.m. – ESPN

(3) Michigan State v. (2) Alabama

1/1

Outback Bowl

Northwestern v. Tennessee

The BEST mascot in bowl history

(Bloomin’ Onion) AND the worst

(Coconut Shrimp)

Battlefrog Fiesta Bowl

Notre Dame v. Ohio State

That’s what you get for losing 3 games between you by a total of 7 points. You go to a bowl that sounds like it’s a new toy brought to you by the makers of G.I. Joe. (Actually, Battlefrog is a company that sponsors events like Tough Mudder, Spartan, Warrior Dash, Mud and Adventure, etc.)

1/2

TaxSlayer Bowl

Penn State v. Georgia

Yeah, I got nothing here…

1/11

College Football National Championship

Glendale, AZ 8:30 p.m. – ESPN

Winner of Orange Bowl v. Winner of Cotton Bowl

Playoff Payouts:

1^st: $200 – Dan

2^nd: $120 – Mike

3^rd: $40 – Dave

Thank you to everyone for a fine year. Congratulations to the winners.

Trophy	Winner	Last Year’s Winner
Championship	Dan	Mike
Bobble-Butt	Jodie	Brian
Penny Pincher	Marc

Deion, Nelly, Wu-Tang, Biggie Smalls and Eric B & Rakim take the season out with a bang!

The Commish

Semi Final Recap, Finals/3rd place Preview

Week 15 Recap:

Mike	157.80	v	98.40	Norm
Dave	91.70	v	106.85	Dan

Week 15 Bozo of the week:

Martin Shkreli – If that name rings a bell, but you can’t remember why you remember his name, he’s the Pharmaceutical exec who raised drug prices for people suffering from parasitic infections as a result of AIDS or cancer from $13.50 to $750.00.

Yeah, THAT scumbag.

He also used some of the money he gained from that venture to purchase the one and only copy of the Wu-Tang Clan’s newest and only copy ever made of their album years in the making. Needless to say, hip-hop fans were not impressed. He then showed his full douchebag credentials by putting out the trolly-est tweet I’ve seen in a while:

Profiteering off of the backs of sick/terminal patients is a disgusting practice and the practitioner of such should be made to take a flaming, toxic, spiked, syphilis and dysentery covered adult toy up through his rectum and out through his urethra.

Well, this week, the tables have turned (sort of) because Martin got arrested for securities fraud relating to his PREVIOUS job as a hedge fund guy. I guess it’s like an apprenticeship. You have to learn your craft of being the biggest jerk/douche on Wall Street from the pros before spreading your wings and screwing as many people as possible on your own, right?

I’m not expecting a happy ending here with Martin becoming a human vending machine for prison sex for his cellmates: Lil Pookie and Zeus. I’m more expecting that he has sheltered a whole bunch of cash, hired some scummy lawyers to get him out of this and he’ll be back figuring out new ways of screwing the silent majority over before being hired on CNN as an analyst and then running for President in 2036.

Second place: Steve Harvey – If you host an awards show/pageant, you really have one job. You need to properly read the names/countries of the contestants and in what order they finished. Steve just hosted the Miss Universe pageant and, well,  let’s say he got the names right and the order wrong. That, of course, led to a scene of Steve checking his winners card again, and looking at it like this:

Announcing that he had made a mistake, saying that Miss Colombia was NOT the winner, but Miss Philippines was, that led to THIS scene where you can actively see Miss Colombia’s brain plotting WHO exactly she will call to put a hit out on Steve when she gets back home. The word salty comes to mind.

Which was immediately memed by the interwebs…

Not to let Steve completely off the hook but that wasn’t the only screwed up thing with the results card:

Your word for the day, children: Elimination

Because they can’t throw TWO flags if you keep dancing, right?

You THINK you’re going to celebrate on Christmas? On New Year’s Eve? No. You’re not.

William Gay CB, Pittsburgh gets down in the Cincinnati Bengals end zone better than you and he’s not even drinking alcohol to help him out. Keep watching THROUGH the referee’s explanation to see where he hits new heights.

How is Gronk convalescing this week?

Why invest in another boring restaurant when you could have your own party bus business instead?!?

ALL ABOARD… The Gronk Bus.

If you’d like to read more about it, you can click HERE… or on Twitter go to @GronkPartyBus.

Also, here’s an NFL.com video about it with the man himself.

San-ta Duck is com-ing… to haunt your dreams, little girl…

The best Christmas pic you’ve seen in quite a while. Thank you University of Oregon… thank you. God Bless us, every one.

Want a beverage but are too lazy to get up from the couch AND you’re you a Star Wars fan?

Looks like you’re in luck, if you’re flush with cash… Haier Asia has produced a replica R2-D2 mini refrigerator. No, I’m not kidding.

The price tag is a little steep for most people. But if you just HAVE to have your own Artoo, now it’s going to be available to you.

Maybe you’re more of a flying drone person. Gotcha covered. It just depends if you want a TIE fighter or a Star Destroyer.

Finally, here’s a remote control AT-AT walker with sound effects. It’s a good time to be a nerd.

The next great rap duo…

In the beginning, there was Eric B. & Rakim and EPMD

Then came the GREAT Outkast, Mobb Deep and Black Star

Y’all thought Dre and Eminem were the kings? Maybe from ’99-06.

The kings are dead, all hail the new kings.. Jay and ‘Ye! Maybe in 2011-2013

Jay and ‘Ye better watch their backs because they TALK about power, but this new duo has REAL power. You’ve seen them on your TV, you’ve heard them talked ABOUT all the time, but they’re comin’ at the kings and ain’t gonna miss.

That’s right, all the way from Italy via Argentina and from Chicago via Hawaii, it’s the REAL Power duo:

Don’t sleep on the Prez. He’s already got many hits he’s dropped like: Hotline Bling, Can’t Feel My Face and Uptown Funk.

The Pope has mic skills that are certified as divine… He’s got his own Flavor Flav hype man behind him in the second pic, he’s kickin it old school Fat Boys style in the third pic. My man Pope Francis has the skillz that pay the bills (on CD).

All they need now is to recruit the greatest human beatboxer on earth, and they’ll create music so outstanding that all future civilizations will base society off of their music. I believe they are going to call themselves: Wyld Stallyns !!!

In the college game:

BOWL SEASON:

12/19

The R& L Carriers New Orleans Bowl

Arkansas State v Louisiana Tech (because they need a local to get ANYONE to come watch)

The AutoNation Cure Bowl

Georgia State(6-6) v San Jose State(5-7)

Seriously, there are WAY too many bowl games.

12/22

The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl

Akron v Utah State

Yes, they did make the football look like a baked potato for the logo

Your mascot for the game:

12/23

San Diego State Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl

Boise State v Northern Illinois

‘Jesus tap-dancing Christ on a cracker’ has as many words comprising it as this bowl game

The GoDaddy Bowl

Georgia Southern v Bowling Green

Bowling Green is actually fun and they score a lot of points

12/24

Popeyes Bahamas Bowl

Middle Tennessee v Western Michigan

a)      What does Popeyes have to do with the Bahamas at ALL?!?! Their slogan: ‘Louisiana Fast’ – Huh?!?!
b)      The 2014 game produced THE craziest finish to ANY bowl game last year.

12/26

Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl

Washington v Southern Mississippi

Zaxby’s is another fried chicken joint… like Popeyes and like Chick-Fil-A. Looks like the bowl market is being entirely sponsored by auto parts/lubricant providers and fried chicken places.

Camping World Independence Bowl

Tulsa v Virginia Tech

Camping World is big and is profitable, I guess?!?

Foster Farms Bowl

UCLA v Nebraska

Foster Farms – ANOTHER chicken provider

12/28

Quick Lane Bowl

Central Michigan v Minnesota

Wow, that one sounds really prestigious

The question you should be asking is: When I was younger, we had the Orange, Holiday, Liberty, Independence, Sugar, Rose, Fiesta, Cotton and Gator bowls. Where the hell did all of THESE bowl games come from? Let my friend Gordon explain:

Week 16 Thursday Games:

San Diego at Oakland

Special: SATURDAY GAME!!!

Washington at Philadelphia

Week 16 Byes:

Kansas City has a bye week masquerading as a game against Cleveland.

Pittsburgh the same thing against Baltimore.

Playoff Payouts:

1^st: $200 –

2^nd: $120 –

3^rd: $40 –

Finals Matchups 

Mike

V

Dan

3^rd Place Matchup

Dave

V

Norm

Good Luck to All!!!

The Commish

Week 12 Recap, Week 13 preview

Week 12 Recap:

Chris	93.50	V	Jodie	86.75
Mike	79.25	V	Dave	117.20
Kim	114.45	V	Marc	68.00
Doug	74.90	V	Dan	97.70
Greg	122.50	V	Ed	77.45
Brian	136.45	V	Norm	100.50

Week 12 Bozo of the week:

It’s a TIE!!! Your winners/losers are: the NFL Network and Jerry Jones for having the hubris to think that a Jerry Jones Twitter AMA would turn out just swimmingly. To the surprise of absolutely no one who has been on the information superhighway for more than trolly-seven seconds it turned into a swarm of:

a) questions

b) not about performance of his team

c) all about the people he chooses to sign to play or

d) hypotheticals of who he would sign to play for America’s team.

It went from:

“How can you look your wife and daughter in the eyes after signing Greg Hardy? “

To:

                “If you could go back in time and murder baby Hitler, would you do it or sign him as a defensive back?”

Good job, NFL Network & JJ. You’re making America great again!

Second place goes again to Spider 2 Y Banana who thought he could outsmart everyone and pick up a QB off of IR who would come back and propel his team to championship glory! But, instead, he looks Chip Kelly-like in his personnel evaluation, got a smooth negative 3.70 points and a re-injured collar bone for Mr. Tony Romo. He has now picked the wrong QB to start for his god-forsaken team 5 out of the las 6 weeks. Great job, Commish!!!

Poor Cleveland… Poor, poor god-damned Cleveland

Please console anyone from Applied if they call soon, as they should be in deep mourning. It’s one thing for your team to stink and you know it and they know it and they get crushed week in and week out. It’s another thing for your team to stink, yet they give you hope, bring you to the precipice of joy, then turn into a combination of whatever came out of the Arc of the Covenant in Indiana Jones 1 and Moleram from Indiana Jones 2 and rip your heart/soul/guts/joy/hope out of you.

I know it’s been a while, Red Sox fans, but try to remember every game they played before the last pitch of the 2004 World Series.

Cleveland had their bitter rivals, Baltimore (who, if you remember, LEFT Cleveland when Art Modell couldn’t get a new stadium built) in town for Monday Night football. Both teams are terrible, but Cleveland fans still have a deep hatred of the Ravens for how they left. Cleveland’s starting QB went out with a throwing shoulder injury. The esteemed Austin Davis took over as QB (because Johnny Manziel decided partying in Austin TX and putting it on social media after being in rehab earlier this year and having a traffic incident where his female companion suggested domestic violence would be an outstanding look… his coach disagreed and demoted him to third string) and down 20-27, threw a game tying TD with 1:58ish left in the game. What happened next is pure magic. The Ravens punted, the Browns punted, the Ravens threw an INT at midfield with 0:55 left. Cleveland moved the ball to the Baltimore 34 and attempted a game winning FG with 0:03 left. The kick was blocked straight right, Baltimore picked it up and returned the ball all the way for the game winning TD. Good God.

Nevermind that Baltimore was lined up offsides on the play.

This is life in Cleveland. ZERO championships since 1964!!! Hey, I root for the friggin BUCCANEERS and I feel bad for these people. There is a reason people in Cleveland call the Browns Stadium the Factory of Sadness.

THIS GUY deserves something. Maybe a guest appearance on the world’s strongest man competition.

Sorry Cleveland fans, I feel for you.

Yes, Jim Harbaugh is STILL completely insane:

This week, he became the first Michigan coach to attend the annual ‘graveyard walk’ past all of the famed Michigan coaches. They stopped at Bo Schembechler’s grave, he placed a stone on it, a buckeye nut, pulled out a maize and blue hammer and crushed the nut on the grave.

Earlier this month, he was asked about how to grow up big and strong and he listed what his 4 ‘natural steroids’ are. I don’t think nutritionists would agree, but I’m not telling a crazy person that.

It’s important to remember that this is a man who was ONE PLAY FROM WINNING THE SUPER BOWL!!!

His team then went out AT HOME and got monkey stomped by THE Ohio State University 42-13.

In the ‘Association’

If you ever thought you’d like to completely embarrass yourself by trying to recreate a rap video with you as the star, don’t worry, the Toronto Raptors have you covered.

Also, there’s nothing quite like outraged Australian announcers at a basketball game.

In the world of Futbol:

If you made a mistake today, just be glad it wasn’t on live television all over Europe.

In the college game:

I know this is an NFL league, but please catch a couple of NCAA games…

The (12)Florida offense was a goddamned disgrace for the umpteenth week and their outstanding defense couldn’t hold up any longer as (13)Florida State wore them down and eventually scored 2 late TDs in the Swamp to win 27-2. Two? That’s all we got is two goddamned points?!? Good luck against (2) Alabama in the SEC championship game, kiddos. Wait, what? Alabama opened as a 17 point favorite? Do yourself a favor and GIVE THE POINTS!!! Meanwhile, Lucifer Nick Saban continues to give ZERO f—s about the health of his players as he pounded his running back Derrick Henry into the Auburn defense 46 times for 271 yards in their 29-13 win. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. 46. FORTY FREAKIN SIX carries. And in case you were wondering, why YES, that IS a school record for carries in a game. By comparison, Adrian Peterson leads the NFL in carries this year and his high in a game is 29. The NFL record is 45 carries by Jamie Morris (Wash v Cin 12/17/88).

(1)Clemson snuck by in-state rival South Carolina 37-32. (14) North Carolina went up 35-7 then held on against NC State 45-34. That sets up the ACC Championship game between the two. Clemson wins, they’re in the playoff. If North Carolina wins, all hell breaks loose.

(3) Oklahoma wrapped up a playoff spot with a trouncing at (11) Oklahoma State 58-23.

(4) Iowa had a hard fought win in the snow at Nebraska 28-20 as Iowa’s MVP of the game was Tommy Armstrong – Nebraska’s QB who threw 4 INTs. Jesus, with a stat line like that, maybe he will be drafted by Washington or as  a backup for Eli with the Giants.

(5) Michigan State put the beatdown on Penn State 55-16. Those teams will play in the Big Ten (even though there are 14) championship game. The winner of that game will be in the playoffs.

(6) Notre Dame took a late lead AT (9) Stanford as they scored a TD with 00:30 left in the fourth to take a 36-35 lead, but completely screwed the pooch on defense, allowing Stanford to drive down the field and kick a 45 yard FG FTW and Stanford won 38-36.

Week 13 Thursday Games:

Um, this is awkward… 2 teams that played on Thanksgiving play on Thursday again

Green Bay AT Detroit

Week 13 Byes:

No more byes got me like:  https://youtu.be/gzD50-jYcKk?t=15s

League Standings:

Nuts	Team	Record	Pts
3	Yo Soy Fiesta	7-5	1130.85
4	The Bumble Bunch	6-6	1236.65
5	Mike’s High Flyers	6-6	1148.95
6	Eddie’s Eagles	6-6	1144.60
Bolts
1	Culver’s Crusaders	9-3	1360.95
8	PMS	6-6	1073.70
10	Wild Eyed & Wicked	6-6	1126.95
11	Marc’s Majestic Team	5-7	1089.30
Screws
2	Butch’s Bonecrushers	7-5	1207.55
7	Spider 2 Y Banana	6-6	1109.15
9	Full Goose Bozo’s	5-7	1236.50
12	Jodie’s Generals	4-8	1053.55

Week 13 Matchups

And DOWN the stretch they come!!! Some teams act like THIS, others, not so much (2:22 mark AND 2:40)

Chris	V	Norm
Mike	V	Greg
Kim	V	Dan
Doug	V	Marc
Dave	V	Ed
Brian	V	Jodie

Good Luck to All!!!

The Commish

Week 13 Recap, Week 14 Preview

Week 13 Recap:

Chris	94.10	V	Norm	119.00
Mike	103.55	V	Greg	84.00
Kim	72.90	V	Dan	118.80
Doug	157.80	V	Marc	92.40
Dave	105.75	V	Ed	130.70
Jodie	86.30	V	Brian	115.20

Week 13 Bozo of the week:

Jim Caldwell, HBC (Head Ball Coach for those of you who don’t speak fluent Spurrier) of the Lions and the man of a thousand faces (see below). His team was up 20-0, at home, against Green Bay with 4 minutes left in the 3^rd quarter. Aaron Rodgers has Devante Adams to throw the ball to who treats the football like it will electrocute him and wants to get as far away from it as possible, Randall Cobb who entered the Witness Protection program this season, and a bunch of guys you’ve never heard of with a bunch of ‘b’s in their last name. Would Lions fans rather have THIS on their sidelines:

Or this:

So they squander MOST of that lead, but are still up 23-21 with 0:01 left in the game. Green Bay has the ball on their own 39 yard line. Only thing left is the hail mary, right?

Problem #1:

Problem #2

So, your best guy catching the ball, who is also 6’5″ isn’t on the field even though you practice it with him on the field AND you have 2 defenders guarding against who knows what… the sideline on an untimed down?!?!… on a play where the ball HAS to go to the end zone. Caldwell explained that he had them there to guard against the lateral play that failed to work the play before. The whole crowd was thinking… LATERAL?!?!

Everyone knows what happened next: Aikman Touchdown Unbelievable!!!

And Lions fans had an all too familiar reaction:

The good news (for us, not Detroit) is that it gave us so many great .gifs and videos. Thank you Detroit… never stop stinking.

‘Tis the season… let’s go look at the lights… oooh, that one is pret- AAAAAHHHH, MY EYES!!!!!

https://youtu.be/479DDc5_AeY

That display is insane… Hope you don’t live next door to that… wait, of course you don’t. That house is in Chicago.

This house got me like: MY EYES!!!! 

Get your Browns Season tickets while they’re hot!!!

The balls on THIS organization wanting their season ticket cashola AND THEN putting something in the language that just kicks long suffering Browns fans right in the teeth: WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSEEEEE?!?!?!?!

Gronk wants you to try his favorite food:

Yes, that answer SHOULD make you all like:

Peyton Manning will be BACK, BABY!!!!

Meet the newest technology that will get Peyton Manning BACK on the field and all ready for NEXT SEASON when he’s QBing the Cleveland Browns!!! Those poor, poor bastards… Can fortune smile on them just one time? Can stuff LIKE THIS stop happening to them?

Hey, another QB had his head smash against the ground, then threw a pick-6 a couple plays later… that concussion protocol is working wonders!!!

In the college game:

I know this is an NFL league, but please catch a couple of NCAA games

(1)Clemson 45 – (10)North Carolina 37 – Clemson tried… they really, really tried to give it away. They were up 45-30 with about 3 minutes left. NC came down and scored a TD with a minute plus left, then attempted an on-sides kick… WHICH THEY RECOVERED!!! Only one problem: the lower right official called offsides on UNC. Please tell me where anyone is offsides. They re-attempted and this time after bobbles, and a scramble, Clemson recovered, got a first down and ran out the clock. North Carolina fan… how do YOU feel about that?!? There, there… it will all be fine… it’s not like your school participated in systematic academic fraud over the course of 18 years or anything, right?

ACC Officials be like:

(2)Alabama 29 – (18)Florida 15 – Nick Saban again tries to actively kill his running back Derrick Henry by giving him 44 carries for 189 one week after giving him 46 carries.

(5)Michigan State 16 – (4)Iowa 13  LJ Scott GW TD with 0:27 left to play

The Playoff is set!!!

Did Golden State win?!?

YES – 114-98 at Nets (Now 22-0)

You should watch them play tonight on NBA TV.

Week 14 Thursday Games:

Minnesota AT Arizona

Week 14 Byes:

NO BYE TEAMS!!!

No byes got you like THIS!!!

League Standings:

Nuts	Team	Record	Pts
3	Mike’s High Flyers	7-6	1252.50
4	Eddie’s Eagles	7-6	1275.50
5	Yo Soy Fiesta	7-6	1214.85
7	The Bumble Bunch	6-7	1342.40
Bolts
1*	Culver’s Crusaders	10-3	1479.75
8	Wild Eyed & Wicked	6-7	1284.75
10	PMS	6-7	1146.60
11	Marc’s Majestic Team	5-8	1181.70
Screws
2*	Butch’s Bonecrushers	8-5	1326.55
6	Full Goose Bozo’s	6-7	1351.70
9	Spider 2 Y Banana	6-7	1209.25
12	Jodie’s Generals	4-9	1139.85

Mike leads the Nuts Division because a) his division record is 3-2 (better than Ed’s 2-3). He is tied with Greg in division record BUT Mike has beaten Greg twice (head to head) AND is beating him in overall points 1252.50-1214.85.

Week 14 Matchups

And DOWN the stretch they come!!! Some teams act like THIS, others, not so much (2:22 mark AND 2:40)

Chris	V	Brian
Norm	V	Jodie
Mike	V	Ed
Dave	V	Greg
Dan	V	Marc
Kim	V	Doug

Good Luck to All!!!

The Commish

Thursday night football… Don’t #BeamMeUpScotty

Good luck this weekend!

The Commish

Week 11 recap, Week 12 preview

Week 11 Recap:

Chris	80.55	V	Greg	94.20
Mike	86.50	V	Doug	79.55
Kim	26.70	V	Norm	72.95
Dave	107.70	V	Dan	58.20
Jodie	83.40	V	Ed	77.75
Brian	96.65	V	Marc	96.25

Week 11 Bozo of the week:

The first SECOND-TIME winner of this award goes to Kim (who I now know fo’ sho’ doesn’t read these). Kim put up a SMOOOOOOOTH 26.70 points by having her kicker on a bye, her RB Mark Ingram on a bye, and her only QB Sam Bradford out. She also had the unfortunate circumstance of having her other RB Devonta Freeman suffer a head injury, but she DID leave Demaryius Thomas and Chris Ivory on the bench, so there’s that. Congrats!

Time to take up a collection:

Because they each have such low ‘Q Scores’, two NFL stars teamed up in a commercial that will hopefully make them some cash on the side because between their measly salaries and other commercials, they don’t have quite enough scratch.

https://youtu.be/TDfHmsAr9Kk

Yes, you saw right, that’s Peyton Manning and JJ Watt in a new Papa John’s pizza commercial. I don’t want to cast stones on how much $$ anyone should try to make, but if you’re Peyton Manning, do you REALLY need to make a paid cameo at a Sweet 16 birthday party? And JJ, I know you don’t need THAT much cash because your summer cabin in the woods of Wisconsin is so small and minimalistic, right?

I know this is America and you can make however much money you like, but that doesn’t mean I have to WANT to see you on my TV every 32.64 seconds. Join me, people! Make a stand. Tell your TV providers that we DON’T need to see the same 3 white NFL stars all the time. Where are AJ Green and Julio Jones’ commercials? Why can’t Cam Newton get something more than a Greek yogurt commercial? Where’s the love for Chandler Jones, Ezekiel Ansah, Todd Gurley, Antonio Brown and DeAndre Hopkins? Tell ’em Jean-Luc! http://gph.is/18ChBA1

In the college game:

I know this is an NFL league, but please catch a couple of NCAA games…

Michigan State ended our long national nightmare of Ohioans believing they are superior to anyone else by beating Ohio State AT Ohio State with their THIRD string QB. Game Winning FG by Michael Geiger (native of Toledo, Ohio) who had THE best celebration for a kicker (better than Justin Tucker) and topped it off with profanity on Michigan State radio in the post game. It’s a good thing that Urban Meyer taught his kids how to handle defeat with grace because as soon as it happened, multiple OSU players acted like rats leaving a sinking ship and started blaming everyone and declaring they’re going pro. The other great thing about this game is that beforehand, Akron native LeBron James bet Michigan State alum Draymond Green cases of wine about the outcome. Well, like everything else this year, the Warriors won again (15-0 in the NBA, 1-0 in bets) and LeBron now has to pay up. Michigan tuned up for their big game v Ohio State by winning AT Penn State 28-16. Iowa stayed undefeated by beating Purdue 40-20.

In other games, Florida needed OT AT HOME to beat 2-9 Florida Atlantic 20-14. Yeah, good luck with Florida State 9-2 (W 52-13 v Chattanooga) followed by Alabama 10-1 (W 56-6 v Charleston Southern), boys. LSU is in free fall after being #2 in the country, they’ve now lost 3 straight to Alabama, Arkansas, and now #22 Ole Miss 38-17.

Sneaky North Carolina 10-1 won AT Va Tech in Frank Beamer’s final home game 30-27 in OT. #1 Clemson stayed undefeated by beating Wake Forest 33-13.

The Big 12 is a mess. #7 Oklahoma 10-1 beat #18 TCU 9-2 when the TCU coach decided to go for two and the win instead of the tie and OT . Super Important Note: Oklahoma’s staring QB was knocked out of the game at the time. #10 Baylor 9-1 with their second string QB (because their starter broke his neck 4 weeks ago) won AT #6 Oklahoma State 10-1 (45-35). Oklahoma starting QB Baker Mayfield is questionable with concussion-like symptoms before next week’s big game AT Oklahoma State.

In other news, Notre Dame beat BC in a ‘home game’ for ND IN Fenway Park and no one gave a crap.

Week 12 Thursday Games:

Philadelphia AT Detroit 12:30p

Carolina AT Dallas 4:30p

Chicago AT Green Bay 8:30p

Brett Favre is getting his number retired at halftime.

Whatever the temperature in Green Bay, you know Brett will be in Real. Comfortable. Jeans.

Week 12 Byes:

That look you have when you realize that bye weeks are over:

http://gph.is/1OYajjQ

League Standings:

Nuts	Team	Record	Pts
3	Mike’s High Flyers	6-5	1069.70
4	Eddie’s Eagles	6-5	1067.15
5	Yo Soy Fiesta	6-5	1008.35
6	The Bumble Bunch	5-6	1119.45
Bolts
1	Culver’s Crusaders	8-3	1263.25
7	Wild Eyed & Wicked	5-6	1052.05
8	Marc’s Majestic Team	5-6	1021.30
10	PMS	5-6	959.25
Screws
2	Butch’s Bonecrushers	7-4	1107.05
9	Spider 2 Y Banana	5-6	1015.65
11	Full Goose Bozo’s	4-7	1100.05
12	Jodie’s Generals	4-7	966.80

Week 12 Matchups

It’s back to divisional matchups for the last 3 weeks!!!

Chris	V	Jodie
Mike	V	Dave
Kim	V	Marc
Doug	V	Dan
Greg	V	Ed
Brian	V	Norm

Good Luck to All!!!

The Commish

Week 10 roundup, Week 11 preview: It’s the home stretch!!!

Week 10 Recap:

Chris	60.10	V	Ed	110.15
Mike	126.15	V	Dan	144.50
Kim	82.70	V	Brian	76.35
Doug	88.40	V	Dave	79.15
Jodie	58.55	V	Greg	63.00
Norm	109.50	V	Marc	63.90

Week 10 Bozo of the week:

It’s the man who has this award in his name: Full Goose Bozo’s!!! Despite last week’s winner, Kim, playing the THIRD STRAIGHT WEEK with a player in her starting lineup who was on bye (Devonta Freeman) AND having her starting (and only) QB knocked out by the Dolphins (good news to everyone playing Kim, as she won’t see this AND Bradford is expected to miss the next 2 games at least – shoulder, concussion), Brian still couldn’t manage to accumulate more than her meager 82.70 point total. Brian was done in by ‘Chicken Parm you taste so good’ and his record setting performance, not because he HAS Peyton Manning, but because Emmanuel Sanders was shut out by his QB’s linguine armed play.

Second place belongs to Spider 2 Y Banana, as his team has failed to crack the 78 point barrier for 5 of the last 7 weeks. That guy ought to fire his GM. It’s been Indianapolis Colts-like in its dysfunction and ineptitude.

Third place goes to Elvis Dumervil for his final play against the Jacksonville Jaguars. I mean, C’mon MAN! Look at this! All you have to do is grab Blake Bortles (who already fell to the ground on the play) anywhere BUT there. You don’t even have to do THAT. Just stop him from throwing a hail mary into the end zone and you win! But no… you’ve got to have the dumbest facemask penalty of the week (most painful was Johnny Manziel’s… see below) and give the Jags a final, untimed down that puts them in position to kick a game winning 53 yard FG. Baltimore stinks at 2-7. Jacksonville isn’t that much better at 3-6, but in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, that record is good enough to have them ONE GAME OUT OF FIRST PLACE in the putrid, rotting corpse of the AFC South division. It’s true. I’m not making this up.

In the college game:

I know this is an NFL league, but please catch a couple of NCAA games…

The playoff rankings should fall into disarray as #6(Baylor to #12 Oklahoma), 7 (Stanford to Oregon), 9 (LSU to surging Arkansas), & 10 (Utah to Arizona) all lost this weekend. Houston stayed undefeated (10-0) as they came back from way back to beat now 8-2 Memphis 35-34. Somehow, Houston was the FOURTH highest ranked team in THEIR CONFERENCE!!! (Going into the weekend, NAVY was 20 (beat SMU 55-14), Memphis was 21, and Temple was 22 (lost to S. Fla 44-23) Navy is 8-1 and has the all-time rushing TD leader, QB Keenan Reynolds (81 rushing td for career)

Clemson is #1 in the nation (CLEMSON!!!!) and they’re going to cruise to the ACC championship game to meet North Carolina. Meh, North Carolina you say… they can’t be any good you say. North Carolina is presently 9-1 with their only loss being the first game of the year in Charlotte against South Carolina. They have put up 66 & 59 points the last two weeks against a ranked Duke team and the ghost of ‘THE U’ – Miami. UNC must survive @ Va Tech and @ NC State to get there with 1 loss, while Clemson has home against Wake Forest and @ South Carolina.

Meanwhile, Alabama is putting the hurt on people after their upset loss to Ole Miss (where they turned the ball over 5 times but only lost by 6). Since then, they’ve outscored their opponents 220-83, including beating #2 LSU 30-16, #17 Miss St 31-6 #8 Georgia 38-10 and #9 Texas A&M 41-23. Don’t look now (really, it’s ugly football) but Florida is 9-1! If they can get past Florida State on 11/28, the winner of the SEC Championship game should be in the playoffs.

Week 11 Thursday Game:

It’s an AFC SOUTH SHOWDOWN!!!!!

to get you ready for this brutality, I’ve posted a picture below of the gas station in heaven you get to frequent:

Tennessee (featuring T-Rac(yes, a raccoon) and the late Bud Adams) @ Jacksonville (and Jaxson de Ville)!! … because, let’s face it, you don’t REALLY know anyone on these teams other than Mariota, Bortles, Yeldon, maybe Allen Robinson and Bishop Sankey (not because you like him but because you hate his guts more than anything for being a bum).

Week 11 Byes: (Final week of Byes!!)

New Orleans, New York Giants, Pittsburgh, Cleveland

Cleveland? Why the hell does Cleveland get a bye? Oh, oh my… that looks like it hurt. Rest up Johnny…

League Standings:

Nuts	Team	Record	Pts
3	Eddie’s Eagles	6-4	989.40
4	Mike’s High Flyers	5-5	983.20
9	Yo Soy Fiesta	5-5	914.15
10	The Bumble Bunch	4-6	1011.75
Bolts
1	Culver’s Crusaders	8-2	1205.05
5	Wild Eyed & Wicked	5-5	972.50
7	PMS	5-5	932.55
8	Marc’s Majestic Team	5-5	925.05
Screws
2	Butch’s Bonecrushers	6-4	1034.10
6	Spider 2 Y Banana	5-5	935.10
11	Full Goose Bozo’s	3-7	1003.40
12	Jodie’s Generals	3-7	883.40

Week 11 Matchups

Chris	V	Greg
Mike	V	Doug
Kim	V	Norm
Dave	V	Dan
Jodie	V	Ed
Brian	V	Marc

Good Luck to All!!!

The Commish

Not fantasy related… but…

That’s right… The USA, Canada (when the Bills played a game or two in Toronto) and England (Jacksonville 34- Buffalo 31)

Good Luck to all this week! And remember: https://youtu.be/Jmg86CRBBtw?t=2s

The Commish

Stat of the Week!!!

Nov 2:

Yeesh… In related news… Nov. 3

From: Chris Damore
Sent: Wednesday, October 28, 2015 1:26 PM
To: Brian Kostanski; Chris Damore; Dan Culver; Dan Culver; Dave Dragon; Doug Swain – Charter; Ed Breck; Greg Cameron; Jacquie Kostanski; Jodie Swain; ‘Kim Fortini’; Mark Menard; Mike Gross; Norm Fortini
Subject: Not fantasy related… but…

That’s right… The USA, Canada (when the Bills played a game or two in Toronto) and England (Jacksonville 34- Buffalo 31)

Good Luck to all this week! And remember: https://youtu.be/Jmg86CRBBtw?t=2s

The Commish

Week 8 Recap, Week 9 Preview

Week 8 Recap:

Chris	114.80	V	Dave	58.15
Mike	87.60	V	Jodie	103.45
Kim	54.40	V	Greg	112.65
Doug	104.30	V	Norm	128.70
Dan	111.35	V	Brian	63.85
Ed	122.90	V	Marc	86.45

Week 8 Bozo of the week:

The award goes to Brian (Full Goose Bozos) who decided it would be a better idea to start Andy Dalton on the road in Pittsburgh and got what he deserved with 11.95 points. He lost by 47.50 points to Dan. However, there was another option he had at QB: https://youtu.be/lb-FL5j3FTU?t=15s That’s right. If Brian had started Mr. Brees he would have 64.65 out of the QB position. That’s 52.70 point gain and he would have beaten Dan by 5.2 points. Also, please note that Drew BREEEEEEES had 64.65 points by himself, while the entire starting team for Brian had 63.85 combined. Wear that clown nose of shame!

Note: Kim came in a VERY close second, as she GIFTED Greg an easy win with both her QB and Defense on byes that she did not substitute out. She didn’t even have anyone on the bench to substitute with.

Week 9 Thursday Game:

Cleveland AT

Cincinnati

Week 9 London game:

THERE ARE NO MORE CURSED LONDON GAMES! ENGLAND WANTS NO MORE AFTER SEEING THE LIONS LAST SUNDAY!!!  45-10! Call off the dogs!

Week 9 Byes:

Arizona, Baltimore, Detroit, Kansas City, Seattle, Houston

Note: Final date to perform trades is Friday November 13^th!!!

League Standings:

Nuts	Team	Record	Pts
3	Yo Soy Fiesta	4-4	778.75
8	Eddie’s Eagles	4-4	771.80
9	Mike’s High Flyers	4-4	755.45
10	The Bumble Bunch	3-5	789.65
Bolts
1	Culver’s Crusaders	6-2	934.55
5	Wild Eyed & Wicket	4-4	806.45
6	Marc’s Majestic Team	4-4	782.45
7	PMS	4-4	777.50
Screws
2	Spider 2 Y Banana	5-3	804-75
4	Butch’s Bonecrushers	5-3	813.20
11	Jodie’s Generals	3-5	708.00
12	Full Goose Bozos	2-6	803.50

Chris is only ahead of Norm because of Division record/Head to Head. Chris is 3-0, Norm 2-1, so Chris is ahead of Norm even though Norm has accumulated more points scored.

Week 9 Matchups

Chris	V	Mike
Kim	V	Ed
Doug	V	Brian
Dave	V	Jodie
Greg	V	Marc
Dan	V	Norm

Good Luck to All!!!

The Commish